by Saeed Amirian

My father lost his mother at the age of seven (she was 33). The last memory he had of her was her request to kiss him for the last time, [on her deathbed.] “Gilan [his sister], pick up Elyahoo, bring him to my bed, I want to kiss him. And my father remembered that for the next eighty-six years, (my father died a few years ago at the age of ninety-three).

For the next eighty-six years he mourned her, and he mourned her.

On any occasion, anytime the name of mother was mentioned, on the anniversary of her death, mother’s day, and each time he remembered her in a story his eyes got misty, and occasionally he shed a few tears. Then he would take a deep breath, wipe his eyes with his white handkerchief (which he always kept a clean one in his coat jacket) and would change the subject. At the end of his life, he had seen the end for his dad, his two younger brothers and four of his sisters (who helped raise him). But none of their deaths moved him as much as the loss of his mother.

“The loss of a mother is something else,” he would say.

I just found out he was right. I have lost my father, friends, aunts and uncles but losing my mom was different. On top of having sad & shitty days , being short tempered and edgy, I feel something else. A strange feeling, I feel like I have lost my connection to my creator. I feel I have lost my protector, my advisor, my admirer, Every Saturday morning on the way to pray, sitting next to me on the passenger side, before checking her makeup in the mirror, she would shower me with compliments and admiration “look at my well dressed handsome son.” [Of course she wasn’t the only one with this opinion!!!] But it felt so good coming from her.)

Dad please forgive me, it must have been so hard for you growing up without your own mother. I was blessed with my mother’s presence, love and her zest for life for sixty-nine years and I feel like shit now that I have lost her. You had her only for seven years, and God only knows how you felt when you lost her. On the occasions that you vented your feelings, I took it so lightly and called you weak (in my heart).

            Please forgive me for not feeling your pain,                     

I do now!!